No wonder he was so afraid. Kevin was in hiding because he thought I was out to kill him. Me. An escaped mental patient. And from the way he was talking, it seemed like this kind of thing wasn’t totally out of the ordinary in his life.

Here I was, interrogating the guy I had pictured as the mastermind architect of all my problems, and suddenly I felt this overwhelming urge to explain to him what was really going on. I shoved my hands in my pockets and Mrs. Brisby bit one of my fingers. She’s kind of like my conscience in that way.

The next thing I knew I was turning around, walking up the stairs and out of the basement. Kevin was calling after me, “Hey! Where are you going! Don’t leave me down here!” but I had to get out. Blow off some steam before I did something I would really regret.

It was only when I got outside and saw the groups of kids running past in costumes that I realized it was Halloween. I had been about to pull off my mask, but now I kept it on, and joined the crowds on the sidewalk. I jogged slowly out of the remote Palm’s Reach neighborhood.

As I moved through the city, getting closer to my neighborhood, not really knowing where I was going, I started noticing these flyers. The first one I saw stopped me dead in my tracks.

An Environmentally-Friendly Halloween With JoyTech? I had a moment where I felt like they must be going out of their way to mock me, personally. Instead of letting your kids run wild in the streets, bring them to JoyTech where they can eat JoyTech candy, wear JoyTech costumes, and play JoyTech games. And at the end of the night, get a little printout showing you how much you can help the environment by buying everything you own from JoyTech.

Again I didn’t have to think to know what my next move would be. I called Meegan.

“Nemo?”

“Is your band playing a show tonight?”

“What? No.”

“How about a last-minute gig at JoyTech?”

We met in the parking lot just in time to pay off the family-friendly act that had been hired for the evening. Meegan and the guys in her band did their best not to look like gore-metal savages as they set up their equipment in the JoyTech cafeteria that had been converted into a ‘House of Horrors’ using enough cheap paper and plastic props to create a seriously spooky landfill come morning.

Meegan and her band got some weird looks, but they convinced the event organizers that they were just in costume for the occasion.

I had long since taken off my mask. It was too familiar a face to show around JoyTech, but I was letting Mrs. Brisby ride on my shoulder so she could take in the scene. The room quickly filled up with tiny kids, soccer moms, and doting grandparents.

“What do you think, Mrs. Brisby? Is Kill All Humans going to freak these people out or what?”
Mrs. Brisby sniffed at me, and call me crazy, but it seemed like almost a contemptuous sniff, like she thought my prank was pretty lame.

“Think you could do better?” I asked, and she cocked her head, like she was thinking about something. Then, I swear, my rat’s eyes suddenly flashed bright blue, like there was a little LED light in her brain.

Before I could take a closer look, the lights dimmed, and a voice said, “Is everybody ready to boogie down to the Monster Mash?” The crowd cheered, and then Kill All Humans started playing.

Meegan wailed like a banshee, and a guy in a leather vest and diaper spit fake (?) blood onto the crowd in front of the stage while the three guitar players competed with the drummer to see who could make more terrifying noises.

It didn’t take long for the crowd to start stampeding for the exits, but it was only once they got there that the real screaming started. Suddenly, people were climbing up onto table and chairs, kicking over apple bobbing games and candy bowls to get off the floor.

I craned my head over the crowd to see what was going on, and heard Mrs. Brisby squeak happily in my ear. Hundreds of rats were streaming in through every entrance to the cafeteria. There were so many you could actually hear them over the music, and the screaming. The scene was utter and total chaos.

As rats ran in a polite circuit around me, I looked down at Mrs. Brisby. Could I add ‘summoning other rats’ to her list of talents? “Did you do this?”

She squeaked again, then stretched one paw out and yawned hugely. Boring. No big deal. “I concede defeat, lady,” I said to her. “You are the Halloween prank master.”

Sometimes I forgot that no one had a bigger bone to pick with JoyTech than Mrs. Brisby. She had spent her life as a test subject in one of their labs until I rescued her. Obviously, she hadn’t forgotten.

People ran around me screaming. Meegan’s band continued playing in chaos-induced bliss. I grabbed a glass of punch that hadn’t yet been knocked off the table beside me.

Happy Halloween, Mrs. Brisby! Happy Halloween, readers! Happy Halloween, Toon-FX - thanks for the cool pics!

Oh, and Happy Halloween, JoyTech.

Things I have discovered which suck:

1 – New Guy and his family came to town at the same time as JoyTech because they ARE JoyTech.

Big question: Does Aurora know or doesn’t she?

2 – Everything I’ve been doing to expose JoyTech has just been making them stronger.

It wasn’t long ago that I called JoyTech’s recycling program a case of greenwashing. Turns out I’M the new greenwashing program.

Suspect 7, that’s me.

According to these guys, there are six ‘sins of greenwashing.’ In no particular order, they are:

No Proof: Claiming to be doing environmentally friendly stuff when you’re not. I.e. – the scam recycling center.

Vagueness: Making yourself sound like you care when you don’t by using vague language. Watch any of JoyTech’s commercials for examples of this.

Irrelevance: Bragging about something you do that seems eco-friendly, but really has nothing to do with the real problem. For example, JoyTech loves putting “ALL ORGANIC” stickers on products that were never non-organic to begin with.

Fibbing: This, of course, is just straight-up lying about how ‘green’ you are. Hmm, like accepting awards for environmental stewardship when you’re engaged in unethical animal testing? Remind you of anyone in particular?

Lesser of Two Evils: Making a big deal about how great some ‘green’ initiative you have going is, when the big picture is still a disaster area. Example: The new JoyTech plant was built using all these recycled and sustainable materials, but it farts black smoke into the air all day – uh, what’s the point?

And last but not least, the Hidden Trade-Off: Focusing on how one thing you do is great so it covers up the bad stuff. Like, how every time I force JoyTech into a corner on one issue, Mr. Giggles spins it into a big show of how great and responsible they are.

Someday, there’s going to be a class you have to take in school about how the JoyTech Global Improvement Company greenwashed the entire planet, while actually rendering it black, and poisonous, and dead.

The problem is that being eco-conscious has become just another trend marketed to consumers. You see earthy colors in packaging, you see words like ‘all-natural’ and ‘organic’ and you think, ‘Oh, I’ll save the planet by buying this product.’

Newsflash: You’ll save the planet by NOT buying any more stupid products!

Buy less! Buy used! Buy experiences instead of products! Live a life of the mind instead of the store shelf!

Shit. Sorry to rant at you. But sometimes I feel like the world is a pretty awful place. And it’s getting worse, not better, isn’t it?